insights into the world of caffeinated monkeys
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| javamonkey insights into the world of caffeinated monkeys |
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Sunday, January 17, 2010 Maybe It's Time to Say Goodbye I'm not giving up ye olde blog, so don't panic. I've just been doing a lot of thinking about everything lately--I'm blaming it on turning 30--and I'm at a crossroads, especially with Kurt. Things between us have been strained lately (see the crazy Christmas story for one example). He hasn't given me a reason not to trust him, but I am just having trouble having faith in him. Something in my gut says that things aren't quite right, and I've been doing a lot of thinking, meditating, and writing to try to figure it all out. I tend to pick things apart--I apply distrust liberally to every situation. I don't want to be paranoid or suspicious or neurotic, but that also means that I ignore my gut a lot, and that tends to bite me in the ass. When I look back on my relationship with Ian, there was a single moment that I can pinpoint that I knew something was really wrong, and I ignored it. Had I listened to my guts, I wouldn't have gotten hurt like I did. I remember it so clearly, folding laundry in his apartment and putting clothes away, when I opened a drawer and found an open box of condoms (we didn't use them). I didn't want to be the paranoid girlfriend, so I believed him when he said a friend gave them to him. But that's when he had started cheating on me. It took several months for him to become emboldened, to find multiple partners and to finally screw up and call the wrong girl for me to realize the truth. And by that point, I'd already given notice at my job and was planning to move to Florida with him. I could have saved so much heartache if I'd just listened to my gut in that moment. I've tried to trust Kurt, and he hasn't given me reason not to, although the Christmas incident has raised suspicion. It's just too weird. And there was another thing that he had mentioned, that caught my attention--he and his ex own a house, and he pays half of the mortgage, although he no longer lives there. He said that the house was on the market, yet that house is not listed on Sheridan's MLS. That may not mean that it's not for sale, but if he's really trying to get out of paying a mortgage on a house that he's not living in, I'd think that it'd be listed with a Realtor or better marketed. And that also got me thinking that I never really confirmed that he was indeed divorced (it's a slippery slope...), and so I spent several hours last night combing through the divorce announcements in the local paper to try to find proof that he was divorced. I didn't find it, but there's also one paper missing from the online archives, and that may have published that announcement. So, just because I can't find proof doesn't mean that it isn't true. But more to the point, I've felt like my needs aren't being met. I'm always the one who calls and texts, the one who asks to meet for lunch or go out on a date. Kurt didn't show up for my birthday, nor did he call or text me that day. When I told him that hurt, he left a voicemail yelling at me that he was busy and didn't appreciate all of the calls from my friends asking where he was that day. I want to spend time with him, but I feel like that's asking too much. I want to talk to him, but he's always busy. He takes his stress out on me. He can be professional and cordial and jokes with everyone in the community, but when I ask for time with him, I get the "I'm too busy" spiel. Really, I feel like all of the relationship effort has been coming from me. And I can show it in the receipts--I've paid for every date we've been on, every meal we've had together, his Christmas presents...I paid the deductible on his truck repairs on my birthday because I was going to spend that money to go away that weekend, but he couldn't take the time off work to spend with me. Maybe I'm subconsciously trying to buy his affections. But it isn't working. The heart of it is that I am a good girlfriend, and he makes me feel bad about that. I'm nice, I'm smart, I can talk to almost anyone about anything. I volunteer, I have a job, I have a car, I cook, I clean, I don't have bad habits like smoking or drinking heavily or drugs. I like to travel, I enjoy spending time with my friends, I'm giving with my time and my money and whatever else I can think to be giving with. Just because I want to spend time with the guy that I'm dating doesn't make me horrible, but he makes me feel so guilty for asking. And when we were talking about it on Wednesday night, he brought up that I don't want to have kids and that he has one. I know that! And I've said that although I'm not ready to meet his daughter, I know that she has parents, because that's what I've not wanted to be. I can deal with kids rather well when I have to, and I am pretty patient, and I've been borrowing other people's kids as guinea-kids to try to get better at the whole kid thing. But a parent I'm not, and the fact that he said it makes me think that he's trying to take a statement out of context to use against me. Bottom line is that I think we're at the end. Unless there's a major change in the relationship, I think we're on the way to over. And I hate to say that, because I feel like there's more that I could do to make it work. I feel like there's something else I can try or do or say to make it work out. Or there's some proof of a lie that will force a break-up. Lying about divorce would be that big lie. I know that he's the one I need to talk with, and we had a huge conversation on Wednesday night about where we stand and what's going on. He's said that he likes me and that he cares about me, but that he's "not in love with me yet." Which I have no idea what that means. He also said that he won't have that conversation again, and that if I'm really as needy as I come across that he doesn't want to be with me. Which, again, what I've asked for from the beginning is more time with him. So...lots of unknowns. I think I know what's coming, and it's not going to be fun or enjoyable. posted by jaime | 2:17 PM 1 comments |
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