javamonkey insights into the world of caffeinated monkeys

Monday, January 12, 2004   Another Crackpot Theory So, Friday was my birthday, and I went out, got really drunk, and then said "I'll never get a toaster because I like the cock too much." I have this theory that there is indeed a gay spectrum, and the further out you go, the bigger the kitchen appliance you get. Here's how it works: Lets say that this is the gay spectrum: |-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| On the left is completely prudishly straight, on the right is completely flamingly homosexual. So, lets say that most people are like, a few steps to the right of completely prudishly straight. Still straight, but not bi or gay. So, let's say, me, as a straight girl wants to take steps to become totally flaming homosexual. If I do, I'll be rewarded by kitchen appliances. So, here's what I'd get: Kissing a girl: A really nice magnet Kissing and groping a girl: a spice rack Going down on a girl: A toaster Seriously dating a girl: a microwave Getting a very short, cropped haircut: A steamer The haircut and some combat boots: A breadmachine Going completely femi-Nazi bulldyke: The KitchenAid 6 qt. professional series mixer in Empire Red (because dammit, it's my crackpot theory, and I really want one of those mixers) If I were a guy: Touching another guy's ass (outside of team sports): a nice set of measuring cups and spoons Kissing a guy: A blender Kissing and groping a guy: A toaster oven Going down on a guy: A microwave Seriously dating a guy: A food processor Wearing the little short shorts: An ice cream machine Add the hand-gestures: A juicer Taking it up the ass: A cappuchino machine Now, this sounds all well and good, but then you ask yourself, where does Christa fit into this? She's got a whole lot of kitchen appliances, and she's dating a guy. Christa fits in by being the pearly gates of gaydom...she turns a lot of men gay, and who's to say that she didn't redeem their gay points for her appliances? I think she's working the system, so keep working it, baby. You'll have one of every appliance yet. I think that I'm onto something with this. posted by jaime | 11:09 PM 0 comments

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